it’s the final countdown – The Handmade Home

it’s the final countdown – The Handmade Home

- in Handmade

It’s April. The weather is warmer here, the grass is now mostly green, and the pool is officially open.

We, on the Williamson County School Schedule, are on the final six week haul. Yep, that’s right. Only six. More. Weeks. Maybe 6.5. Maybe 5.5 by the time I publish this, but you get my point. Basically 38ish days until Summer. Also, I just used a calculator for that one because the maths is hard.

::Plays “It’s the Final Countdown”:: Cue cheesy music with fog machine and laser lights, while I do cartwheels in a sparkly unitard, because summer. AND that’s better than Rocky fighting Drago.

It’s our very favorite time of the year. 

I know it’s April. We almost died in February because rain. So April is basically summer.

If you think otherwise, we can’t be friends.

Why do the final six weeks always feel like two more years? We’re on the home stretch and no one cares anymore, but everyone is keeping their game faces on for the sake of decorum. And by everyone, I mean the teachers and other variously important school officials who are called to a higher purpose.

More than probably, for the sake of our kids not going absolutely bat crap cray like depraved banshee goblins at school. It’s like this silent agreement everyone has made to keep moving forward as if we’re not excited about summer being right around the corner. All of this effort, even though we all know their little internal clocks are about to kick in like gremlins fed after midnight.

Poo be hittin’ the fans. 

Meanwhile, all the parents have checked out. We don’t even hover and do the homework check anymore. 

It’s over. Really guys, can we just go ahead and all mutually agree to skip the state testing, and phone it in?

::Cranks up “It’s the Final Countdown” even louder::

We know state testing is in place to ensure our children’s future and blah bah blah other important things here so as not to offend any officials and teachers whom we love and adore and truly are grateful for. But we also think it’s stupid, so there’s that. Teachers mostly also think it’s stupid, they just can’t say so out loud.

We’re with you, teachers! Down with the system! I’m making t-shirts. 

Who sets the standards for testing? I know I’m supposed to know… state government people? I’m picturing the church lady again from SNL sitting in her throne room, grading scantrons for all eternity. “TOMMY didn’t use a number two pencil! Hell it is!” {I know most schools use high-techy things like computers now, but scantrons are better for my analogy.}

Even if they don’t look like the SNL church lady I know those state officials, who probably wear a lanyard all day to get into special secret broom closets and do special secret things like sharpen everyone’s number 2 pencils, would also deep down rather be at a pool in the afternoons. Pool always trumps issuing out rigorously generic measuring sticks that mean absolutely nothing in the big picture of life. Or maybe it’s lost on them, because they issue standards for a living.

Here’s a margarita instead.

Can’t we be more like Sweden or Finland or Ikea or whoever they keep referencing in those articles that keep reminding us of what an epic failure our educational system is because everyone gets to play outside but us? That would be greeeaaaaatttttttt. 

Welcome to the struggle bus.

At the beginning of the year, we all had our outfits gloriously chosen so that they could immediately get dressed, beds were made, and everyone was polished and ready to go. Kids were up and sparkling like vampires at 6 a.m. Now it’s a good morning if we can retrieve another sock from the ready-to-collapse Mt. Vesuvius that is our laundry pile after we drag children out from underneath their covers by their grimy little ankles at 7:45. Most shirts are officially stained with mustard a-la the super healthy hamburgers we ate the night before, and covered in wrinkles because oh, they also slept in them. Notice I didn’t say matching socks.

It’s basically a zombie apocalypse in the school drop off line because people be cray.

We meant to do better. But honestly, this is what happens when people institute standards and it kind of feels like those first few scenes of Hunger Games when they’re all sad and gray in their little depraved and regressed town. Take that, scantron lady.

I’m pretty sure my child went to school without brushing their teeth the other morning. I basically had to threaten said child within an inch of their very existence and all things screen time, if they could please brush said teeth so they won’t fall out. I’m pretty sure that child is officially going on strike, and I can’t say I blame them.

But back to homework. I can’t decide if our kids suddenly got super self-efficient at getting it done, or if their teachers are giving less, or both. Either way, I’m suspicious. And then I remember that I don’t have the energy to be suspicious so it’s officially a free for all. Have our children crossed the odd threshold to zero accountability? Kind of like when you don’t think you’re going to make it past toddlerhood and suddenly, they start wiping themselves after the potty and buckling themselves in, {GAME CHANGERS}. Is this the next phase? Are we finally free when it comes to hovering and being the perpetual bad guy? Or have the teachers also secretly tapped out? 

The moment I complained about said homework, they’re getting so good, that they tell me they’re done, and I believe them. And I don’t check it because pool season. And then I found more un-finished homework at the bottom of one kiddos’ backpack and I realize they don’t care either.

I’m not even mad about it.  

From now on, all homework can take place by the pool. Where I will be hiring a pool boy to do my bidding, prep dinner, bring me towels and enable all of my dysfunctional tendencies magnified by summer. Swimming counts as showers, right? I guess scantron lady can call the CPS people if my kids go to school smelling like sunscreen too many days in a row.

So this is it. It’s over. I’m phoning it in. 

April is basically summer and summer is amazing so…

It’s the final countdown.

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